that daily diet

thought I'd dedicate this post to the one reading that have became quite the daily diet for the past 7 years; besides the 'big book' of course.

A little worn and torn; but I think that's why it has such a sentimental value :)

Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest.

When I was still teaching, I brought this to my office every weekdays and back home on the weekends.

And man, it did such disastrous work to the human me-first psyche somehow and I would not have been able to formulate a lot of my core thoughts it it wasn't for the times it has rendered me helpless over and over again.

And somehow, taking a good look at it today; it became such an archive of memories for me too.

I remembered why and where I was when I underlined and highlighted certain passages or lines.

I remembered now why the two photographs are still in there (they double as bookmarks). Was reading it in the office when the kid walked it and passed them to me so I have something to remember them by. 

It has become such a treasured photo because this was taken with the student MCs during sports' day. That again brought back a rush of memories of training them since they were in Form 1 and I literally saw them grew in their skills and confidence. I remembered coaching them on intonation and emphasis; teaching them to think smart and on your feet and to savor the control that a host/MC has even when all eyes are on them and their hearts are in their throats.

We've had major blundering moments and I remembered telling them; you must in all of your power and control do your best but if things don't go as plan; remember you're more than your mistakes. Do the damage control quickly and that it's the host/MC that control audience response and the dynamics of an event. So, if you panic; so would they. If you play it cool and reclaim control; it won't be as bad as you think.

And if you think it's that excruciating for students; imagine my insides every time they go up to host. Whatever they become; they were the product of my coaching, time and effort. I told them to be calm, I had to be calm too. I told them to know those details like the back of their hands, I had to know those details too. I told them to be aware and in control, I too had to be that. And I told them to have fun, and I too had the best time just standing with and by them.

So, back to the book.

I guess what I am trying to say; when something becomes such a daily part of your life i.e. a book. It becomes more than a book. This one for instance, become such a storehouse of memories and I relish that oh so much :)

those little time out

It's the one week study break and since I'm relatively new here, took the opportunity for a road trip around the island.

 At least I could say I've been around the island once through.

making our way to the chapel

 classmates and loving it.

 the massive collection of turtles

 Yes, I am that happy doing this

 Testing the preaching-acoustics. A girl has to get use to it, no?

 The read-between-the-lines realization of a historical co-habitation

 The historical fort walls, with the not so historical car park in the background

They warned us about those delectable Penang food. Happily warned.

 the ancient canon

 the historical chapel

:)

the perks of being on an island

the fortified walls

LOVE! LOVE! the green

affirming i'm loving the green

chilled

the local desserts

the traditional slurpee. and way before 7/11

genderist

I find it interesting. As much as i thought i was ok with this being an unresolved issue somehow amongst some circle and i sincerely thought even if it was within my own circle; that others might have the prevailing opinion that women should not be head or leaders in ministry or the church - that i was going to still be ok with it. 

One; gender has never been an issue personally for me when i interacted with a person or a situation. I thought character was. I thought it was never the gender but the person and his/her choices in life. Two; the men in my life has never told me i could not do something just because i'm a girl. Again, they were more concern on whether or not i was seeing the choices of my life holistically, objectively and in the light of my relationship with God.

So, although i thought i have adamantly resolved it in my head that i won't be bothered one bit by differing of opinions; when i got to actually read and understand the stands of some of my recent circle of people - i was actually disturbed. So, i wasn't really ok about it after all.

My initial respond was that i wanted to make a scene on how that Neanderthal stand was downright disrespectful (i was pretty surprised at how bothered i felt about it). Then clarity tugs unrelentingly at my strings. If i did that, i think my less than refined approach would have push some people away. And it was not what i need just yet.

I thought irregardless what some may stand on this issue, my path was pretty defined already. I know what i want in my life and i know why i am in the seminary. There's even a tighter grip on my heart of what i see myself doing once i'm done with this phase. All the years of figuring myself, the world and God out, all the experiences, achievements and non-achievements :) have brought me here today. And yes i do have my regrets and heaven knows i have not got all things figured out yet - i know for this season i am suppose to be doing this.

I still believe the church is suppose to be a gathering of people of various differing of opinions and from different ends of the social and intellect spectrum. Indebted to one another through the knowledge and worship of Jesus Christ and that debt is love. Love makes room and accommodate each other. Even if we don't get each other some times. 

Maybe that's why John 13:35 ("By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.") rings so true. 

Love paints a painful and messy picture, but that's why it's powerful i think. So powerful that people will acknowledge that this paradox of loving each other despite it all could only be done by Jesus' disciples. That's the branding. The thing that sets us apart from everyone else and every other cultures and beliefs; is that we truly love one another.

And if we truly love one another; we will truly want the best for the other person. And the best many times is when a person truly live out their fullest potential in Christ. We are all structured by various influences; some inherited upon us; some through lifestyle and others through choices; but whatever it may be, we encourage and guide them on their path toward the realization of that full potential. And if it were to bring them somehow to some leadership position; the encouragement, guidance and correction should not cease, no? Irregardless, whether it's a man or a woman. Everyone need people around them, over them and with them.

And i guess, this too is true the other way around. Yes, there are some people that would see submission for a woman as exclusively different from a man and yes some may and will for the longest time hold to the opinion that it's not a woman's place to be at the pulpit; i think from the angle of how loving one another is a mark of being a real disciple - i can tolerate this opposite of opinions. In fact, i must but in that same breath, i still will pursue this to wherever the fullest potential of my calling brings me. And by that time, i hope that the same way my loved ones and the important people in my life recognize where God is leading me to; they too because of love for me as a person, will be able to lay down their less than similar opinions. But until then, i really do have more important things to attend to :)

and people can change their minds, no? I stumbled upon this and it still amazes me how God answers even those seemingly minute questions and i pray i will continue to remember that.   

was reading this

Go with God, people.

LENT

Had some duly timed introduction to Lent and Ash Wednesday this week. Lent is an occasion where the Christian believer prepares him/herself leading to the Holy Week, which traditionally marks the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

The preparation acts are more penitential in nature; which includes self denial, prayer, repentance and almsgiving. Taking the significance of the number 40 from the Scriptures, some may also choose to fast from certain kind of indulgence or luxury which range from the partaking of meat or even social networking (as pretty common nowadays) for 40 days leading to Easter.

I come from a background where most of these traditions were not observed. But none the less, Good Friday and Easter services were always held grand; and some of my sweetest childhood memories are in fact during those times where the children and youth were the designated performers (be it plays or songs) and it's always a riot when you get a bunch of us together. I'm inclined to think it's because of occasions like that that so many of us are still tight to this day.

Yet, one of the things i told myself i wanted to do when i got here was to break away a bit (just a bit hehehhe..i'm a cautious adventurer, thank you very much) from what i am use to. And an opportunity presented itself when my classmates and i were invited to observe the Ash Wednesday's service at one of the most beautiful church i've been in.

told you it was beautiful :)

Sitting in the service, it was an unfamiliar order somehow for my very evangelical mould; but yet the prayer, scripture readings and even the sharing of the word was beautifully moving for me. I once had a missionary friend telling me of his trip to a very traditional church in Europe and in that stained glass, sobering mode of service, this was the closest he sensed he was to God after too long of a period of time.

So, I am so glad i went because the sucker for words that i am, when you look closer to how the prayer and sharing were worded - it was describing something i could relate to in my walk with Jesus. It was a new thing for me to be there but not entirely unfamiliar, you know.

I love something the Archbishop said about how all these traditions and observations will mean nothing if Jesus was not Lord in our lives. And this got me thinking, that although some traditions of the early church strikes a sensitive core with us because we emerge out of the teachings of the evangelical or charismatic movement and we forfeit some of the traditions because it is the legalistic and ritualistic side that we do not agree on (And for that, I am thankful that i was taught that it is really the insides that matter the most). But in the light of that too, some observations or traditions when it flows out from the love and devotion to Jesus - it becomes magnificently beautiful.

I love how the singers were in their robes, the beautiful put hymns, the sweet sound of the music filling the high ceiling church, the reverent way the service group enters and leaves the service and yes, the LCD projection of the service too plus the really cool looking mic the archbishop was using. Although, i can't speak for everybody; it was truly a God experience for me.

And who's to say,one day our own order of service that we are so use to, praise and worship with the whole worship band, then the bulletin reading, then the sermon and close with another song; the going up for altar calls, preparation for Christmas/Easter dramas and etc.; might also have the danger of just being legalistic and ritualistic too to some people.

So, we should get it right. Mode of services may vary from one place to another. But how tragic it is that we miss out on the beauty and the opportunity for it to be a time and place use by God to relate/reveal/speak to us just because we deemed it wrong or too different.

Be blessed, people. 

And this is a part of the wonderful people i got to hang out with recently.

you don't wait

A confession.

Been going around these few days feeling a little overwhelmed. I have assignments due in a few months and tonnes of reading to add on to that. 

The overwhelming feeling, i'm sure has its roots in the fact that every time i sit down to undertake my tasks; i somehow convinced myself that i do not know enough to form an opinion or a thought line and that then rattles my confidence of pursuing it.

I tried to somehow talked myself out of it because i want to materialize those ideas already but how do you do that when you are your worst critic.

Spend some time in the library, to which i walked out feeling yet again unfruitful. Then, went back to the dorm to attend to some domestic responsibilities. And somehow between agonizing over the little i think i know and doing the laundry; a conversation i had a few years back with a good friend of mine resurfaced amongst those buried memories.

It was a time when she was already a few years into her marriage and with two lovely kids. We've been good friends since we were little so it's the type of friendship where you could always pick up where you left off and i do truly cherish it. We talked about all sort of things and one of the thing was how she admitted that although people offer you the best advice and encouragement on being a wife and mother, it's not until you go into it then you realized, you still find yourself helpless and clueless.

It's tiring, takes a lot out of you, a lot of 'dying' to oneself somehow and every time you make a decision; you cannot afford to just take your own perception or needs as the reference point. You have to consider the needs and opinions of your spouse and children.

And she said one thing that rang so clear in my head, which goes something like 'You don't have to wait until you know everything about motherhood and life before you can be a mother. You learn along the way also la. It's your children, your family. You love them and their are your responsibilities.'

That immediately sooth me. Somehow impressed upon my heart was exactly those words 'you don't have to wait..'

And in this case, that feeling of inadequacy was making me hesitant in giving my task a go. If we wait until we have it all figured out or that the feeling of inadequacy diminishes , i don't know how long will that wait be or if it's even ever going to stop.

So, ya. I think i would still need to do more reading and definitely some dialogues with the relevant people; and who knows there will be a fresh perspective on the tasks at hand. Nothing wrong to come out with a skeletal of an idea first i guess and then research it accordingly.

What have changed? I think i'm less tensed now after this reminder and at least it doesn't feel too crowded in the head :) And i think it's a high time i totally have a day out exploring the beautiful places in this new home of mine that i've heard so much of huh.

he?!

So, not very long ago; there was this event in church and i was hosting it. I've had the opportunity to be involved in a few hosting gigs before that, so it's something i personally still enjoy doing especially if its for people that i really know. And since its a church thing; was really in my element and i'm pretty sure everyone enjoyed themselves.

So after service, a friend who i haven't seen for a while approached me and said i did a wonderful job. I said thank you, and she added this in a heartbeat, "It's so good that you're really putting yourself out there because now he can notice you." And the 'he' she was talking about, in all her good intentions was the man that was going to be that person i somehow was going to marry (and no, i don't currently have the specifics yet just so you know)

I was like 'huh?!' in my head.

So, let me get this right. I went around talking to all the relevant people, getting all the information i needed to get the job done, go through them details scrutinisingly and took the time to practice in presenting it out right; so that i could make an impression on him? So that i could be noticed?

I thought about this for the longest time and no, i'm not going all the feminist stance here but what i find didn't sit very well with me was that it seemed that the ultimate goal for me as a woman to do well or excellently in whatever field or project i find myself in, is to land myself a man. And when that happens, then all my work was worth while. And can i go out on a limb here to say in that same logic; when that happens, i should then cease from excellently doing these facets of work that i have come to love doing? Because after all, i have reached my goal.

Let me get this clear though; yes, i do; i sincerely do want the husband, the children, the home and the whole nine yards but never did it cross my mind that all my labour of love, all of my putting my best out there, my skills, my life's structure - were all done so that it can be packaged in a way that is suppose to get people's attention. The last i heard, i thought since life is short; that i should live life to the fullest? And now that i have come to the knowledge of the redemptive work of Jesus Christ; that i should live my life in the light of that finished work?

And since it hasn't really happen yet (the landing of the man that is) and i won't even call it waiting because I don't know; waiting makes it sounds like you're expecting it to happen at either a given time or in a span of a time; should i just not truthfully lay my life out on the table now and insert some of my dreams or pursuits of the heart in there as well and not to forget the responsibilities and duties that encompasses my life. This so that i could pursue the dream or carry out the tasks that which makes my life richer in all it could be and hey, in the midst of living my life and him living his, that our paths will cross, you know.

I have loved much and i know i am also well loved. And as much as i am very thankful for my life and the people in it; i'm also all in in trying anything new or different or even challenging just because i'm deeply curious about it or it's something i want to learn more about.

That's the reason i'm in a Theological Seminary.

I have always had a deep interest in the subject matter and although if it really did go according to my own plans; i would have left this to the last chapter of my life, you know after living the epitome of the dream life first at least. But, again when this was still the thing that i dreamed about when i go to sleep at night and somehow still deeply yearn for even when i am awake; i knew for my own good i needed to do some readjustment to my earlier plan.  

And i plan to be the best that i could be in it because i could safely say, i know this is what i want.

As for the other element to what i'm trying to say here today; i come from a family that has taught me a lot about love (with tears and pain included) and how love in its truest form is tough and it stands by and gets itself involved and messy. And yes, there were also interesting experiences in the romance department in the past but now being exposed and enveloped in such a tenacity of love in its truest form; i too want that in all areas of my relationship. I have learned that good things do take time and i don't want to rush it, because heck! life is interesting enough to get you preoccupied.

I'm not building this aspect of the relationship into a unrealistic standard but that; it's more than the boy-meets-girl-and-fall-in-love-and-get-those-wedding-bells-ringing kind of scenario. I want him to be a friend. Like how my friends are my good close friends because we sit together, walk together, we dream together and sometimes share our pain and fears together too. To see the person within the exterior; which means all the perks and annoying little habits that may come with it too.

So ya, thought i'd jot this down now before i over-rationalize myself out of it.

God's be, people!

mosaic

A mosaic design

Where each piece is suppose to be different

Jagged, pieces of different colours

By itself distinct or in some cases collaboratively distint

But definitely different

So, all these small pieces form a design in the hands of an artist or a craftsman

Designs that tell a story or just plain beautiful to look at

That the differences work itself within a pattern

That they somehow work together not despite of their differences but because of them

Then these different and colourful patterns that are interwoven within the human lives

The 'stuff' that makes us us. That gives us somehow an identity and a personality.

We are different.

We think differently. React differently. Process or even interpret things differently too.

I remembered how this was once a great heartache for me.

In my naivety, i was quick to conclude and slow to adjust

I thought just because someone decided to follow Jesus as i did

That working together would be easy

That working together will be of the highest motivation to achieve one set objective

The dream team, you know.

And when things unravel and reality bites

I didn't get it.

Then i realised, i didn't get a lot of other things.

Mainly the workings of life itself and

how later i find out that for the sake of my sanity, i should not try to pin point a person oh so two-dimensionally

But i am getting to a point

Which is this one picture that i could not shake off from my head

What if a church in its true essence is suppose to be a gathering of people of all differences?

People of the different ends of any spectrum.

The loud, the quiet, the enlighten, the not so enlighten, the right wing, the left wing.

Different, messy but the only thing that unifies is the knowledge, love and grace of God that we somehow come to experience at all our different levels.

Think how that would look like when we gather. 

 Think how would it sound like.

Think how would it smell like.

Non-uniform, messy, and forget about trying to even categorise the gathering.

But let just say, none the less, despite it all

We recognise each other as co-worshipers

Won't that look frighteningly and chaotically beautiful?

That we don't fit a mould because the reality of the Redemption met us at all our uniqueness

So, we're suppose to be messy because human are.

And yet again and again, that is what makes the gospel beautiful

Because it still works despite those differences and mess

Yes, it still works.

After all, i'm pretty sure our Master Craftsman know exactly how this design will turn out to be.

 

Child at play

A child was at play. A boy who looked 6 to 7 years of age.

He was the gardener lady's kid you see. And she was there watering the plants around the apartment swimming pool i was taking a swim in that day.

Took a quiet hidden corner to sit and read after that as all the sitting area had people in them. While i was there i could overhear the lady speaking to her son but could only make out 'sebelah sini saja ya...'

As i got up to leave, i saw the boy fully cloth swimming in the kiddy pool at a section that was hidden from view behind the high wall of the running waters of the main pool.

Then i understood why 'sebelah sini saja..' He saw me as i made my way out and i smiled at him because a child should play. Then he happily kept on swimming.

'Sebelah sini saja' because that was a hidden play time.

The water was amazing that beautiful sunny morning and i enjoyed my swim tremendously. And i bet he too was relishing in that.

'Sebelah sini saja' because the order of things dictate that only residents and their visitors :) could use that pool.

And i bet in his child-like manner that too is understood, that's why the cautious swim in only that hidden region.

But did i mention the water was amazing that morning? And that yes, he was not suppose to be in it but a child really deserves to play, no?

Then it got me thinking of how he sees the pool every time he follows his mother over and because of again the order of things - he is excluded out of the list of the people that can use that pool. 

Excluded because you got to be able to afford that privileges. Privileges do come with a price. Some can pay it and some cannot. The 'cans' because circumstances and choices that encompass and make their lives brought them to that position where they can; the 'cannots' because again circumstances and choices that encompass and make their lives brought them to a position where they cannot.

And yet there are times and will be more where paths cross between those of the opposite ends of the spectrum. We're all in this together, whichever side of the spectrum we are.

We have similarities and yes, differences too but maybe just maybe; let's just remember to be kind to each other.

Yes, he was not suppose to but he looked so happy. And since i'm not the management (even if i was); a happy child at play should be left just that, no? Or even if it can't, then do it well? Be kind even when we need to be assertive?

The next time the cleaner lady mops the floor; we could afford to wait til it dries or maybe walk around it, no?

We walk so fast pass each other sometimes we forgot to look at the person.

on to the next one

I'm looking at the date and realized that I've been here for almost 3 weeks now. But somehow so many things have happened that it felt so much longer than that.

Done with orientation and am getting myself accustomed with the new found information and way of life. I've met some new and amazing people along the way; and settling quite timely into the church Grace & i are attending.

So yesterday, we had a CNY open house specifically for the community around the church and various NGO bodies they are affiliated with. We were ushers and it was really nice being able to play the host especially to a community that might not be all too familiar to oneself :) I guess it's not really hosting til you host outside of home.

The set up for the open house just right outside the church. 

Good food, good company and very entertaining presentations. It did look like one big family reunion somehow. That was an evening well spent. 

Other matter related, all the reading assignments given have been thought provoking so far and loving the discussions-and-bouncing-off-each-other-thoughts-and-opinions atmosphere.

And did two reads this week that was both heartwarming and spoke to me in all different levels.

Reading 1 - I'm sorry

Reading 2 - If nothing was stopping you

And last but not least, Grace has truly been a God-send. Had a VERY interesting 'God-experience' with her after Saturday Night Live service (or SNL for short and yes, i see where that's coming from) at church. Very grateful and bowled over. 

Be blessed, all!

and of course there's always time for pictures :)

Walked out of Mentoring Group and was greeted by this.

Liking this new view very, very much.